Wonderous Oneshots
by The Familiar
Summary: A selection of oneshots either too short or too plotless slash stupid to be given there own story.
1. Chapter 1

This is a collection of random one shots I create that are too short or too plotless to become actual stories. They do not have to make sense. They are allowed to have gigantic plotholes. These are for my own enjoyment. If you wish to expand on one, ask my permission first. If I owned anything, I wouldn't have to write disclaimers. I usually for get to though, so feel privledged that I am. This will be my only disclaimer for the series. I take no responsibility of what may happened when reading these stories.

-- - - --

'Finally GIR! I have perfected this gas that will make all humans attracted to those of there same gender. In 100 years, there will be no more humans left on this planet! It will then be easy to take it over!' Zim was monologuing to GIR about his latest plan. 'And to ensure that Dib does ot interfere, I have created that diversionary clam you see on that' he pointed to a monitor, 'screen there.' Then Zim let the gas out into the atmosphere.

TWOWEEKSLATER

Everybody in the world was affected by the gas, except for Ms. Bitters, Gaz and Dib. Dib and Gaz weren't actually fully human, having been created by Professor Membrane, and Ms. Bitters was Ms. Bitters. She needed no explanation.

100YEARSLATER

Zim was sitting on a beach, watching the sun set. He was starting to miss the humans, now they were all dead. But he did have his own planet now. After the tallest had banished him he had started to plan his "retirement" on his planet. He was planning on making aliens pay to come and visit it. He took a sip of his pina colada. Aliens would pay for anything.

-- - -- -- - - -

No. I have nothing against gays. This is just because in some stories EVERYBODY seems to be gay, bi or lesbian. Just pointing out the impracticalties of such a world.


	2. GIR and the fangirl

A little girl came upon GIR in the street one day. 'Awww. Kawaiii!!!!! You're so kwute!!!!!! LOL!!111'

'I'm gonna eat your brains!'

So he ripped the top off her skull. 'There's nothing there. Ooooooh. A PUPPY!!!!!!!'

So he ate the puppy instead.

MORAL: GIR is not cute. He would eat your brans without feeling any guilt. Kawaiiing fangirls must die. 


	3. Joke!

'I met an Irken once. Did you know they have no nose?' 

'No nose? then how do they smell?'

'Terrible'

boom-boom ching!

---- - -- - - -

I must apologise profusely for this one. I just couldn't help it. It had to be done. I wil try to never do this again. (Just wait for the musical interlude.)


	4. Chapter 4

'GIR, have you seen all these ridiculous theories on Irken civilization and reproduction? They truly show how inferior a race this is. And to have us doing THAT with humans. It isn't even possble.' He laughed, then looked around. 'GIR, where are you? GIR, GIR?' 

He went around the base.

'GIR, GIR. I can hear you GIR... NO!! Don't do that with the piggies!!!!!'

--- - - -- - - ---

Ummmmmm. Can I even try to explain this one? Use your imagination as to what GIR is doing with the piggies. No, these are not my best stories. I think they've been going downhill since the first one. Oh, well. I warned you at the beginning of this collection of random monstroities from the deepest, darkest pits of my mind.


	5. love and death

The door slammed open.

'Dib!!! I love you, but I'm going to kill myself.'

'Really? I was just about to confess my love for you and my suicidal thoughts myself. Why don't we kill ourselves together?'

'Yes.'

'I'll get the knives.' he came back with two knives.

'On the count of three. One, two, three.'

There was an uncomfortable silence.

'You were never going to kill yourself, were you?'

'No. I was just hoping you would be stupid enough to kill yourself over my pretend feelings for you.'

'Me too. So it was all a big plot? You never loved me?'

'No. I don't even want to think of thoughts like that about,' he shuddered 'humans.'

'Thank God. If you had've been telling the truth I might have killed myself.'

'Really?'

'No.'

'Oh. Okay. See you later then.'

'Yeah. See you at Skool tomorrow.'

The door shut silently. 


	6. I am not a tallest plaything!

'That's very funny my Tallest, you are very good at jokes.'

'This isn't a joke, Zim. We're serious, you are banished from the Irken empire. If you come back here, we'll kill you. If you enter Irken space, we'll kill you. If you contact any other Irkens, they are allowed to kill you. You are no longer an Irken, Zim. we'll allow you to keep your bhase, but all communications and programs will be destroyed by a bug that should reach Earth in about three of their minutes'

'But, but, my Tallest, why?'

'You're a liability to the Empire, Zim. we can't allow you to keep thinking you're allowed back any time you want.'

'Yeah Zim, plus you were losing your fun. It was a good game at the beginning, but now it's boring. You're boring us Zim'

The communications screen went blank, the programs on his computers died.

'It was just a game? My life was just something to amuse them? Am I nothing more then that to them? Nothing more then a toy? An AMUSEMENT? I AM NOT A TALLEST PLAYTHING!!'

-- - - - -- -- - -

In case you were wondering, this came to me in a dream. I was on the internet searching for a story called "I Am Not A Tallest Plaything". Yes, that was the most memorable part of the dream, except for the plugging my internet into a tree (green power?). So I decided to write this. I could have used the sentence in a sexual manner, but I was lacking in inspration for the plot, and it's been done so many times (like this one hasn't? It's almost as overused as emo Dib/Zim or the autopsy scene.) I don't know if it has been done to death though. I might do that one day. If anyone wishes to make their own story from that line, just ask. If i stole the line from someone, tell me so i can apologise and give you credit for it.


	7. The End

It was the end of the Irken Empire and the War. The Irken forces had been destroyed, no soldiers were left alive. All the civilians lived under constant supervision by the conquering forces, in concentration camps on Irk.

This is another planet, in the same system as Irk. The ruins of a destroyed civilisation lay on the ground, nothing but ashes and bodies to suggest any life had ever inhabited the planet. the last planet (outside of Irk) that had been held by the Empire. A still, dead planet. But there is movement! A small, grey robot with blue eyes climbs out of the rubble and looks at the sea of destruction and the bodies of dead Irkens who were trying to keep the planet.

The robot opens its' mouth and says one word. 'Master?'

- - -- - -- -- -

Blame my sister for this mess. I really must improve upon my descriptive writing. Yes, the robot is supposed to be GIR, but i don't think that comes across too well.


	8. Chapter 8

It was a park, at midnight 

'You cannot stop me now, Dib!!'

'I wasn't trying to stop you.'

'You shall... what?'

'I don't care, you're stupid plan will fail by itself, anyway.'

'Stupid?! Flying hamsters with laser beam attachments STUPID?! I will... where'd he go?'

Zim looked around. There was no one there.

'Not that his absence will prevent me from comtinuing with my plan!'

he opened the box and let the hamsters out.

'Fly my hamsters, FLY!!!!!!!!!!'

Red laser beams shot out all around him.

'Yes! The lasers work per... Ow. Ow ow ow. No do not shoot at your master. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!'

He ran away screaming from the hamsters.

Dib who was sitting in the bushes laughed quietly at Zims' suffering. 'That was at least entertaining' He walked off home.

- - -- - -- - -- -- - -

because of complaints i have removed the authors note.


	9. Rude Awakening

'AHHHHHHHHHH!!' Dib woke with a scream and looked around himself, slightly panicky. Was Zim there? Was he in bed with Zim?

'Oh, thank God. It was just a nightmare.' He went back to sleep.

- -- - -- -

written in under 5 minutes. THAT'S the reason.


	10. aftermath

The plague of Zombies had gone on for years. The Irkens had been fighting them, but as more were killed by the zombies, more zombies appeared. It looked like hopeless cause.

--

The tallers and the Tallest were discussing the problems of the zombies.

'Maybe we should try to destroy the food source?' Food Taller Sploodge suggested.

'But they eat Brains! The only way to get rid of the food-source would be to make Irkens lose their brains, and then they would die anyway!' Information Officer Taller Skatch replied.

All at the meeting thought long and hard about this. Faint screams echoed in the distance

'What if Irkens weren't reliant on their brains? Then they would be ale to continue fighting after they had lost them, and losing the brain wouldn't affect them at all.' This suggestion was from Military Tallest Hugo.

'That would be impossible, it would take too long to create and distribute artificial brains.' Almighty Tallest Rushkar responded.

'Actually, sir, Scientists have been working on a form of artificial life-support to lower smeet deaths and would easily be able to intergrate a brain into the systems. It would also make the populous more subservient and wouldn't question orders given to them by the Tallest,' Science Taller Venn Sega said.

'Really? and would it be efficient in Monies use?' Economics Taller Glof asked.

'Yes, sir. They can also be recycled after an Irken wearing them dies.'

'Then get them created and distributed. I want all Irkens to be wearing artificial brains by the end of the year. Even the Zombies, they can become cheap labour.'

The collected Irkens all hurried off to make the artificial brains a reality.

-- -- - -- - -- - --

By the end of the year all Irkens had been fitted with Personal, Automated Krllxks, or PAKS. Almighty Tallest Rushkar was celebrated as the greatest Tallest to ever live, and the dawning of the new Irken age was set to begin.

- -- -- - -- - -

Woo-Hoo!! A story about zombies. This was compiled thanks to two episodes. The Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom, and Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy. The first one with Zims almost phobic reaction to zombies, and the second one because of Zim not having his brain in his head.

I apologise if I stole a name, but I just grabbed ones that came to mind.

After thought: Maybe I'll write more of these


	11. zombies!

The plague of Zombies had gone on for years. The Irkens had been fighting them, but as more were killed by the zombies, more zombies appeared. It looked like hopeless cause.

--- - -- -- - -- -- -- --

The tallers and the Tallest were discussing the problems of the zombies.

'Maybe we should try to destroy the food source?' Food Taller Sploodge suggested.

'But they eat Brains! The only way to get rid of the food-source would be to make Irkens lose their brains, and then they would die anyway!' Information Officer Taller Skatch replied.

All at the meeting thought long and hard about this. Faint screams echoed in the distance

'What if Irkens weren't reliant on their brains? Then they would be ale to continue fighting after they had lost them, and losing the brain wouldn't affect them at all.' This suggestion was from Military Tallest Hugo.

'That would be impossible, it would take too long to create and distribute artificial brains.' Almighty Tallest Rushkar responded.

'Actually, sir, Scientists have been working on a form of artificial life-support to lower smeet deaths and would easily be able to intergrate a brain into the systems. It would also make the populous more subservient and wouldn't question orders given to them by the Tallest,' Science Taller Venn Sega said.

'Really? and would it be efficient in Monies use?' Economics Taller Glof asked.

'Yes, sir. They can also be recycled after an Irken wearing them dies.'

'Then get them created and distributed. I want all Irkens to be wearing artificial brains by the end of the year. Even the Zombies, they can become cheap labour.'

The collected Irkens all hurried off to make the artificial brains a reality.

-- -- - -- - -- - --

By the end of the year all Irkens had been fitted with Personal, Automated Krllxks, or PAKS. Almighty Tallest Rushkar was celebrated as the greatest Tallest to ever live, and the dawning of the new Irken age was set to begin.

- -- --- - ----- - -

Woo-Hoo!!!!! A story about zombies. This was compiled thanks to two episodes. The Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom, and Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy. The first one with Zims almost phobic reaction to zombies, and the second one because of Zim not having his brain in his head.

I apologise if I stole a name, but I just grabbed ones that came to mind.

After thought: Maybe I'll write more of these 


	12. gaz

Gaz was playing her gameslave. She was always playing her gameslave. People often told her that she played it to get away from reality, but they were wrong. Reality she could cope with. Reality was fine, it was unreality that she found difficult to handle. It was the times when she didn't have anything to do, and she let her mind wander that she couldn't handle. She scared herself sometimes. The images playing out in her head made her think that something wasn't right. That some crucial part of her mind was off balance, but if she ignored it enough, it would go away. People thought she was scary, but they didn't know half of it. They only saw the outside. If they knew what she saw, she was sure she would end up like her brother; just thrown away into an asylum with no chance of redemption.

Gaz was playing her gameslave. She was always playing her gameslave. She played her gameslave to escape from her mind. 


	13. help

'That's a good joke, my tallest'

'We're not joking Zim. If you ever contact us again, we'll send someone down to kill you. if you come to an Irken ruled planet, we'll kill you.'

'You should be thanking us, Zim. We let you live AND you can keep your base and ship. We're being very generous.'

'Yes, my tallest, but surely you're mistaken...'

'No, Zim. There was no mistake. Now, go away and don't bother us again.'

'Yeah, Zim. If you ever come back, we'll kill you. Seeya Zim!'

The tallest switched off the comunication screen. Zim was speechless. How could his tallest have done this to him? 'SKOODGE!!!!!' Zim called out for his fat companion.

'Yes Zim? You didn't need to shout, I was right beside you.'

'hmmm? Yes, yes. That was very good. Did you know about this?'

'The entire empire knew about this. I'm surprised you didn't find out earlier.'

'I think Tak may have mentioned something... but! The ENTIRE empire knew? How is that possible?'

'The tallest made a show featuring the highlights of your calls. It was very funny, not that I ever laughed of course' he added quickly, noticing the look on Zims face.

'The entire empire knows of the wondorous exploits of ZIM? But why would they laugh? Surely nobody could laugh at Zim. Is not Zim the most wonderful invader? Why would they humiliate Zim like this?'

Skoodge was getting a bit worried. Zim had an odd look on his face. It was like he was going to cry, or laugh, or maybe both. He was also muttering to himself, and saying his name alot.

'Maybe you should sit down' Skoodge suggested and took hold of Zims' arm, moving him towards the lounge.

'Skoodge?' Zim asked 'Am I really as defective as the tallest said I was?'

'No Zim. Of course you're not defective. If you were defective they would've put you on trial, and the control brains would've declared you defective, and you would've been executed.'

This made Zim start to cry, which startled Skoodge a bit. He had never seen an Irken cry before. 'They did put me on trial. The control brains did declare me defective. I should've died on judgementia!'

Zim started sobbing onto Skoodges uniform. 'Zim, maybe you should stop leaking. It can't be good for you'

'You're right, Skoodge. I shouldn't cry like a worthless earthenoid worm-baby. I am an Irken soldier, and so should be able to control myself better than this.' This statement made Zim cry harder than before.

Skoodge wrapped Zim in a light hug "maybe his emotional filter's malfunctioning" Skoodge thought. "That could be causing the moods"

Zim's crying soon stopped, but instead of pushing Skoodge away, he snuggled up closer to him. "He's just like a big, fat warm pillow." Zim thought. "I can use him to help the sadness go away."

---- - -- - - -- -- -- -- - - -- -

ummmmmmm, yeah. ZAS fluff if you want, friendship if you don't. There's not enough stories with skoodge.  
Yes, I did blatently plaigerise from the Lion King, but it's just a great line, and a great movie. 


	14. Zim on smeets

'So, Zim, you've never wanted to have children?'

'Children? Irkens don't "have children". All smeets are produced by genetic mixing and grown in tubes. No Irken "has children."'

'No, but you surely remember the history lessons, how we were so inefficient? How smeets were produced BEFORE we discovered how to create them using tubes?'

zim shuddered at the memory of the history lessons. 'Of course I remember. It was a horrible process, and one that I'm glad we stopped. To want to produce smeets that way, you would hve to be emotionally and physically defective, and any Irken THAT defective would be executed without even a trial. Their PAK's would revolt against the body, destroying them before they were allowed into society and to mix with other smeets. Even if they were allowed into Irken society, they would soon be found out and executed. Though I have often been accused of being "defective", I am not so "defective" as to want to produce or carry smeets. So, no. I have never wanted children.'

-- - -- - -- - --- --

Zim talking to an unknown Irken about smeets. These are my own views and I mean to insult nobody by them. It didn't have to be Zim talking about smeets, but I never re-do a story (I'm like Fred Astaire, or one of those people).

As for the different types of defectiveness, I made that up myself. Zim would be mentally defective. A blind/handicapped Irken would be physically defective, and any Irken that had emotions/thoughts different to that of the norm would be emotionally defective. I.E. strong feelings of love, unreasoned hatred to other Irkens, maybe even wanting to take over planets that they otherwise had nice alliances with (but being Tallest, they are exempt from all defective tests). etc. 


	15. The Tale of Zim and Tak

They had never met, but one day changed both their lives forever.

Her life goals were set back because of the destruction caused by him.

His life goals were achieved because she weasn't there to be made an invader instead of him.

Their lives took different paths after that day, but they were bound to collide.

They both wanted attention from their leaders, but only one was able to get recognition.

One Irken walked away from the dead other. Its' blood was already staining the ground, and its' Pak had sent the notice of death to the Control Brains.

Their lives had been bound to meet, to entwine, and then to separate. Death was the only ending.

- - -- ------ -

Which one died? 


	16. MeeKrob

Zim was in a restuarant, studying human behaviour. A waitress was asking the man at the table next to Zims' what he wanted.

Zim was slightly surprised by the answer. How was a human expected to eat a being of pure energy?

-- -- - --

A note of explanaition may be required. The Meekrob are beings of pure energy. They are also a Thai dish.


	17. I'm sorry for this

Dib had noticed Zim had been more relexed lately. He didn't scream in classes, he didn't make elaborate schemes to destroy the planet, and he didn't do anything interesting.

This just made Dib all the more paranoid and nevous.

He was out with his sister getting another cartridge for her Game Slave. She was 13, but Membrane still insisted that Dib go with her to the store, even though Gaz was the most dangerous thing around. Dib saw Zim coming out of a furniture warehouse carrying a reciept. 'Stay here, Gaz.' He told her. 'I'm going to see what he's plotting.'

He ignored her comeback of 'I thought you got over that years ago.' and set off to follow Zim.

Zim turned a corner along a deserted street, unknowing that Dib was following him. He was in a good mood, he had just bought some necesary equipment, and Skoodge was remodelling the base. He couldn't wait to get home and just collapse on the couch, maybe work on GIR a bit, try to make him more obedient without the homicidal tendencies. So he was quite surprised when he felt something slam into him from behind.

He knew exactly who it would be. 'Get off me, Dib!' He was getting uncomfortably crushed by the larger body on top of him.

'Not until you tell me what you're planning!'

'I'm not planning anything! Get off me!'

Dib grabbed the reciept from Zims' hand. 'What's this, Zim?' He looked at it. 'A baby's cot and pram?' He laughed. 'What do you need these for? Finally finding something to fit you?' He joked, refering to the fact that Zim hadn't grown in all the time he had been on earth, and was still barely 4 feet tall.

'No. Now give me that reciept.' He tried to reach behind himself and grab the reciept. He then unfurled his spiderlegs and pushed Dib off with them.

He stood up and sulked. Dib stood up as well.

'Give me my reciept.'

'No.' He held it above Zims' head like a game of keep-away. Zim jumped up to grab it, but couldn't reach it. Dib lowered it a bit. Zim jumped up to grab it again. Dib lifted it up to keep it away from Zim. This happened a couple more times before Zim stopped, panting.

'Give me ... my ... reciept,... Dib.'

'Tell me what you're planning, and I might.'

'I'm not planning anything, now give me my reciept.'

'Why do you need it?' Dib was now honestly curious.

'Because if I don't I can't claim them when their delivered.' he muttered, hoping Dib wouldn't hear him.

'Why do you need them?'

'I just do.' He scowled at Dib. 'Now give me my reciept.'

'Only when you tell me.'

Zim looked around. 'They're for GIR.'

'Really?'

'Yes,' Zim said, lying badly.

Dib knew he was lying, but decided to give him his reciept. As he leaned down to pass the reciept to Zim, he pushed him in the chest and made Zim fall down.

Zim hurt himself falling onto his PAK and got winded. He felt tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. 'Give me my reciept, Dib!'

'Are you crying, Zim?' Dib had never seen Zim cry before.

'No. Now give me my reciept.' Zim was trying but failing to keep back the tears.

Dib gave Zim his reciept out of confusion, and watched as Zim walked off, clutching his recipt in one hand, and wiping tears away with the other one.

--

Dib was standing outside the window of Zims' base later that night, looking in. He may have given the reciept to Zim, but that doesn't mean he had given up finding out what he was doing.

Zim was sitting on the couch eating from a bowl of chips. Dib saw Skoodge enter from the "kitchen". He came and sat next to Zim, and grabbed some chips from the bowl. Zim pulled the bowl away from Skoodge and said something. Dib couldn't hear it. Skoodge said something back and Zim placed the bowl in his lap. Skoodge moved closer to Zim and put an arm around his shoulder. Dib raised an eyebrow at that. He raised another one when Zim snuggled into the arm.

If he had had a third eyebrow he would've raised it when they kissed.

He gasped when Skoodge put a hand on Zims stomach and lifted his shirt slightly. Dib looked away before any more happened, blushing. He didn't even notice when the windows darkened automatically.

As he was walking home he realised something. There had been a bump on Zims' stomach. That was why he had been buying baby supplies.

Zim was pregnant.

-- -- --

Shut up. It's sweet. I hate that last sentence. Kind of a follow on to the previous chapter with Skoodge in it, that I can't fand at the moment. I may not have even uploaded it. If anybody can help me, please do.


	18. dwiz!

Warning; if you have not seen Dr. who, this will probably not make any sense to you. Sorry.

-- -- -- - -- -

A blue box appeared in the middle of a busy London street. A girl stepped oout of the box, making somepassers by complain at her. They had been standing there.

'Doctor?' She called into the box, 'Something's wrong with the population. They've been mind-controlled or something, they didn't notice the TARDIS landing. Has an invasion happened?' The girl had been travelling with the Doctor for long enough to think this was a viable option.

A man breezed out of the blue box, taking care to close it properly. He didn't want a repeat of the last ime. 'Of course not, Martha! This is about 100 years ahead of your time, but very little has changed.'

'Why?' The only way to get any sort of answer was to ask.

'Reality television. The world got so used to reality television and repeats of old sit-coms that the people stopped thinking for themselves. There are very few intelligent people around today because of the brain washing ability of television that those who are smart are treated better than they have been in the past. Intelligent people are the new celebrities, but no-one wants to be like them. I know one man, Thaddeus Membrane, quite a nice man actually, but-'

'Doctor' Martha cut him off before he could ramble on to another long winded story, 'this all happened because of reality television?' She waved her arm in the direction of a bunch of people standing around looking at their shoes.

'Yes, but it will all end with the great powercut of 2112. Televisions will be cut off, and people will go back to how they were living before.' Then he grinned his manic grin. 'Humanity will come back bigger and brighter than before, and extra-terrestrial contact will happen soon after. And if you think this is the worst that reality television should do, you should be glad you haven't been to the year 200,100. Then you'd know what reality television can do...' He walked off through the crowd, leaving Martha to catch up to him.

--

on the other side of the ocean, two people were fighting. By two people, i mean one human and one alien.

'I'll never let you turn off the worlds' power, Zim!'

'Ha! You couldn't stop me if you tried, Dib!' Zim reached for the lever that would destroy the worlds power supplies, but Dib ran and pushed him aside before he could pull it. Zim struggled to pull away, but Dib just held Zim to his body and stood up, leaving Zim to kick his legs helplessly, and struggle wildly. Why did Dib have to get so tall?

Dib was about to start gloating about his enemies defeat, when in ran a small green dog. the dog looked at the lever.

'No, GIR! don't pull that lever!' Dib yelled, but it was too late.

Gir had yelled 'I was a born lever-puller!' before pulling the lever and running off in the dark, screching out 'blue meanies! Blue Meeeaaaaniiiiieeeeesssss!!'

Dib sighed and dropped Zim. Now the world didn't have any power. he pulled out his torch and flashed it in Zims' face. 'you know how to get out of here without electricity?'

'Of course I do. Computer!' He waited for the computer to answer. 'Computer!!'

'No power, Zim. You have your computer plugged to the power grid.' Dib had learnt alot about Zims' base.

Zim threw a shovel in Dibs' direction. 'You can start digging then.'

- - -- -- -

I am so sorry to whoever i stole that from. Please tell me if it is you, and i will either acknowledge your genius, or if you hate this story, I will change it to a different name.

Ahhh, my two favourite shows. Doctor Who and Invader Zim.


	19. Nobody expected it

Ms. Bitters turned to the class. 'Today, we'll be learning about the Spanish Inquisition. Open your books to page 1045.'

'Geez,' Dib sighed. 'I knew we'd be learning about history, but I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.'

A group of people dressed in Spanish Inquisitorial garb burst through the door. 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion!'

-- - - -- - - - -

Monty Python joke. Sorry. 


	20. Irk & Convetia

Zim and dib are travelling to Irk for some reason. I don't know why, I just thought of the story last night.

-- - -- -- -

'So, Zim, how long is this going to take?' Dib asked, settling himself into the co-pilots seat.

'In human times, about a year.' He saw that Dib was going to press a button. 'Don't touch that!' He slapped the hand away.

'Ow.' Dib pulled his hand away quickly. 'A full year? What am I going to do? hang on, why is it taking us a year, when it only took you 6 months to get to Earth?'

Zim laughed patronisingly. 'Silly Dib. I did not come from Irk. I came from Conventia. Irk's much farther away. Why don't you go to sleep in the freeze pod? It'd save me a lot of problems.'

'But what is I mis something? And how do i know you'll wake me up when we get there?'

'Because I will, and you're the reason I'm going to Irk, so of course i'll wake you up.'

Dib got up and went to the freeze pod, closing the door behind him. At least the year would go fast.

- - -- -- -- - --

This was to make clear one of my problems with stories. Zim left from Conventia, not Irk. It might not take a year. It might take 6 months, but stop referencing The Invasion Begins when talking about how long it takes to get from Earth to Irk. HE LEFT FROM CONVENTIA!!

Maybe i should rename this story collection "The Familiar complains about things, and maybe writes a short story."


	21. big foot

Dib had been stalking big foot for two days now, following it around and trying to track it to its' lair. He had also taken many pictures, all of which he had sent to various e-mail addresses thanks to the internet attached to his camera. There was irrefutable proof of big foot.

He was also taking notes about big foots physical appearance. Big foot did, in fact, have big feet. They would have been at least a foot and a half long, maybe more. He saw big foot stop outside a cave, and moved closer, looking through his binoculars to see detail. It was there that he made another important discovery about big foot. what had been said was true: men with big feet did have big socks, though Dib was quite surpried to see big foot pull a fluffy pair of socks from behind a bush, he guessed it was natural. According to all the girls in class, any body with big feet had big socks, though they always laughed afterwards, and Dib didn't know what was so funny.

- -- - -- -- --

That's awful. Really terrible. I was reading something on big foot the other day and the old saying about men with big feet came into my head. It had to be done.

Oh, yeah. It's something other than big socks they have :wink wink, nudge nudge: 


	22. Apology

Professor Membrane sighed

Professor Membrane sighed. He had just had an argument with his son, and it was repeating in his head.

_'I don't want to study real science!'_

_'Your paranormal studies don't have a future. It won't let you live.'_

_'How do you know what living is? You're always working!'_

_'I do the best I can, you don't make things easier!'_

He regretted his words; they brought back memories from his past.

_'I don't want to make socks, dad!' A teenage Membrane yelled. 'I want to study science.'_

_'There's no future in science for you! Socks are where you belong!' His father exclaimed._

His memories drifted back into the past.

'I need to make things better.' Membrane got up and walked to his sons door, which had slammed shut not long after the argument.

The normally loud Professor timidly knocked on his son's door. Why could he confront thousands of opposing scientists, but talking to his son caused him so much trouble.

'What?' came a call from behind the door.

Membrane took this as a sign to allow him entry, so he opened the door and stood in the doorway.

'Did you come to drag me off to the Crazy house again?' Dib asked, his eyes slightly puffy from crying.

'No.' Membrane paused. 'I came to apologise.'

'Huh?' Dib turned to look at Membrane. 'You never apologise.'

'I was too harsh on you.' he sighed. 'You can make up your own mind about what you want to do. You don't have to make socks.'

'Socks?' Dib asked.

'Science.' Membrane said.

'OK.' Dib said, sceptically. 'You really would allow me to study the paranormal.'

'Yes.' Membrane said. 'There is a bit of science in it, anyway.' He added. 'You seem to be studying it in a scientific way.' He nodded. 'Why don't you show me some of the information you've collected.'

'Really?'

Membrane nodded, knowing full well the hours that he would have ahead of him, listening to his son talk about the paranormal.

Dib grinned. 'The case that I'm devoting the most amount of time to at the moment is the case of subject: Zim. Most people buy the story that he's got a child with a skin disease, but I know differently.' He pulled a big file out from his bedside cupboard.

Membrane sat down on the bed next to his son, and settled in for a long talk.

- - -- -- -- -- -- --

Just a little something to try and redeem Membrane. Everybody seems to think of him as a child abusing, neglectful father, who would probably kill a barrel of puppies, eat them, then wash it down with a vat of kittens blood that he got from freshly cultivated bonsai kittens. Nobody's THAT evil.


	23. A tale of five Dibs

The three most common, and two canon versions of Dib.

- -- - - -- - -- - - -

v.1. Hi, my name's Dib. I'm a 12 year old paranormal investigator. (canon)

v.2. Hi, my name's Dib. I'm a 12 year old gay. I want to bone/ get boned by my enemy/ a random OC/ anyone really, even though I haven't hit puberty yet.

v.3. Hi, my name's Dib. I'm 12 and am being abused by my evil scientist father/ angry scary sister/ the other kids at my skool. (Usualy paired with 4).

v.4. Hi, my name's Dib. I'm a 12 year old emo/goth and always cut myself and wear black.

v.5. Hi, my name's Dib. I'm a 12 year old clone that my father made. (Eventually canon).

- -- - - -- - --

Before you start complaining about my assumption of Dib being 12, it's the only age that I have heard on the series. (Audio commentary on "Dibs Wonderful Life of Doom").

If I forgot anything, please let me know!


	24. PSA

I see Dib. "Dibs. I LUV U!!'

Dib: 'I Love u two!!'

Gir runs up and makes an inane comment: CHICKENS! BURRITOES! MY TOESES ARE ROSES!!'

'BUt Dib' I say. "i have a terrible secrert. I'm Part Irken, part fairy! Zims my brother, and the tallest is my father. Come to the dark side with me!!'

'Don't wrry! I love you soo much, I'll be with you forever.'

The kiss, and live forever happily eva after, having lots of babys!

- - -- - - - -

That actually hurt to write. It honestly hurt to write. But it hurts more to read. Please, do not hurt people, and learn grammar and spelling.


	25. Chapter 25

One day, there was, like, the most beuatiful Invader in the world. She was tall, with blue eyes, and long curly lekku, cause that's what other authors call them, so I'll do the same thing. And she had a broken SIR unit as well. He was called, uh, BIR. Anyway, Invader Whore, cause that's her name, lands on Earth, for some reason. She also lands in the exact same town that Dib and zim are in! She came to class, in the same year group as Zim, Dib and Gaz. Even though Gaz is younger than Dib, she's in teir class. 'Hi, My names WHore. I'm gonna give the same entering class speech as Zim and Tak gave, because the author's lazy.' during recess, she went up to Dib. 'Hi, I believe Zims an alien to. I want to chase him with you, and we can go out, and have sex eventually.'

Dib looked up at her. 'Ummm, no.' He skooted over in his seat so he was closer to Gaz, who had paused her game to watch the process.

'And we can be best friends, Gaz! You'll be like my little sister, and we can have sleep over parties, and it'll be so much fun!'

'Get aay from me before I doom you to the darkest, deepest depths of misery.'

Whore backed away slightly. 'OK. I'll just go over there. We can all get together after school! Bye!'

After school, Whore went over to Dibs house, cause she knows where it is. 'Hi Dib! It's me, your girlfriend1.' She heard the sounds of locks being shut on the door. 'Come on Dib! We can spy on Zim together, and then we can get into a humouourous romantic situation.'

'Go away!' Dib shouted from behind the door.

'But Dib, I love you! But we can never be together because i'm an Irken! Blah blah blah.'

'Wait, you're Irken? Like Zim?'

'Yes, and i love you so much, and I cant wait for us to spend the rest of our lives together!'

There was a pause from behind the door. 'Why don't you come in?'

Whore opened the door exicetdly. 'I can't wait for us to be living together! and we can travel into pace, and do all sorts... of.. wonder... ful...' She passed out.

Dib grinned. The alien sleep cuffs did work. Now to phone the swollen eyeballs, and everything would be fine.

-- -- - - -- --

Wow. This would have to be the stupidest thing I've ever written. No. It's not.

I hate poorly thought out OC's. 


	26. Hall pass

This is set slightly after the end of Dark Harvest.

- --- - - -- -

The hall monitor wasn't having a very good day. First he was accosted by the strange green kid, and then he had had his liver removed!

At least now he was getting taken to the hospital, like all the other kids with missing organs. They could all just be thankful that the bus taking the members of the Organ Donor Society had crashed the previous day.

He lay back on the stretcher as he was wheeled off skool grounds. It was so good, he was starting to feel warm inside.

-----

The explosion could be seen from five blocks away. Zim had had a good cackle about it. Stupid humans not realising the hall pass would explode. 


	27. Johnnick

This is what happens when I get woken up at 2:00am by my roommates coming in drunk (and noisy). I think of strange things, and then write them down the following day. Enjoy.

--- -- - -- -- --

A young man woke up in a deserted alley somewhere, in what seemed to be a slightly run-down residential area. He shook his head. He felt so happy, but that feeling seemed to be wearing off, slowly. He put a hand to his head and stumbled upright. He felt sick, it must be the drugs the...

The...

The...

The alien! Yes, there had been an alien. What had the alien been doing? Hadn't there been drugs, and a large underground area?

The young man looked at his hand, which was leaning on a wall to try and keep himself upright. His hand was very pale, so maybe he had been underground a lot. He felt like he ought to be happy about this, but the need for happiness was going away.

He moaned and put a hand to his head. Where was he? Who was he? Hadn't there been an alien, or a dog? A terrifying dog. He shuddered at the memory of the dog. It had always been there, tormenting him with waffles, making him eat, and eat, and eat. But not often enough, and not enough proper food. He was so thin.

Now, who was he? He was sure he had a name. Ni-

Nee-

Nee-

Nny?

No, that wasn't a name. He was definitely a Nee- something. Or a something Nee (Nny?). Neek? No, that could be right. Joe-nny? It sounded like a real name at least. better than Neek.

Gah! He felt so happy! Too happy! The happiness would have to leave soon. But then what? What would he have apart from the happiness?

A wave of dizziness washed over the young man, and he fell to his knees. There was something wrong with his brains!

He struggled upright and left the alley. Maybe if he found someplace to stay, just for the night. There was a house within sight that looked deserted. Maybe if he just stayed there. Just for the night.

Maybe he would remember who he was. Maybe he would have a little nap (no! he hadn't slept in his memory, now wasn't the time to start!) Maybe he would get something to eat (something tinned. No waffles.)

Maybe he would get a bunny...


	28. ZAMR

This isn't really a one-shot. It's the first chapter to a story I started in 2007, but the rest was never written. I thought it was too good to leave lurking in the depths of my harddrive, so here it is: the first (and only) chapter of an uncompleted and unnamed Zim and Membrane Romance fic.

Happy reading!

---- --- - - --- -

Professor Membrane watched his son leave the basement. He was smiling and whistling a happy tune. He had been doing that all day, and now Membrane was starting to have doubts that he was that happy because his father was home after 2 months away. 'What are you doing down there, son?' He asked the smiling Dib.

'Nothing, Dad. Just bigfoot stuff.' he gave a small laugh. 'G'night, Dad.'

'Good night, son. See you in the morning.' Dib left the room.

'He's not doing bigfoot stuff down there, Dad.' Gaz said, lying on the carpet making a puzzle. 'He's holding Zim captive so he can perform horrible experiments on him.'

'The foreign child? Don't be silly Gaz, they're great friends.'

'They're not friends Dad.' Then she had a thought that would get Dib into trouble. 'I think I also heard him mention raising the dead in the basement.'

'What!' Membrane exclaimed. 'He's ressurecting the bodies I keep down there?! He must be stopped!' Then he ran into the basement.

Gaz opened one eye. Did he say he kept bodies in the basement? Cool.

-----

Membrane ran into the lab, holding one piece of anti-zombie equipment (a baseball bat, golf lub, hockey stick, or, if you're really clever, a cricket bat). However, when Membrane entered, he didn't see a lurching, groaning, brain eating member of the dead, all he saw was an examination table.

He dropped the baseball bat and walked over to the table. On it was a small naked child, tied down by straps. the first odd thing he noticed about the child was the green skin. The second odd thing was the lack of genitals. Had Dib given the boy a castration? He also saw that the child had his hair in a strange style, but it might be what was all the rage with kids these days.

He untied the restraints, noticing how wasted the muscles looked, as if the child hadn't been able to move for weeks. After the child was free, the professor rolled him into the recovery position, being careful not to aggravate any of the wounds that were visible on his body.

When the child was on his side, Membrane looked at its back. There were wires and electronic parts hanging from two tubes connected to the childs spinal column. Membrane was aghast. Had Dib done all this to the child? If so, then he was crazier that Membrane could have imagined. He reached up to smooth the childs hair out of his face, surprised when the "hair" was more chitilaneous than he had expected. He was even more surprised to see the hair move on its own accord, as if they were antennae, but that was impossible. Humans didn't have antennae. Humans don't have green skin, either, said a voice at the back of his head. Humans also had more ribs visible when they were emaciated, as this child was. He touched the antennae again, wondering if maybe Dib wasn't insane, and aliens did exist.

He was staring at the childs face when its eyes opened partially. Membrane was amazed by the vivid red colour of them. The creature (because Membrane was sure it wasn't a human) let out a small squeaking noise, and tried to flinch away from him. He put a hand on its shoulder and stroked its back. It closed its eyes and drifted back into unconsciousness again. Membrane looked at it. What should he do about it? He should send it to the labs for studying, let the other scientists study it, take it apart, put it back together, see how it works, etc, but he didn't feel like he had the right to. This creature, no matter what it was or where it was from, had the right to be treated in a humane way, and not to be locked up and experimented on.

Membrane stood up. He had made his decision. He rolled the creature back and walked over to one of the machines standing by the wall.

-----

When Dib woke up in the morning, he was feeling refreshed. Today was going to be a big day for him. He was going to cut Zim open today. Maybe depending on his opinion, he would allow his father, the great professor Membrane, to help him. It would be a good day today.

Dib had a shower in a good mood, and was making breakfast happily, when Gaz showed up. 'Hey Gaz! How are you today?'

'Good.' she answered, causing Dib to choke on his cereal. 'Even better when I see the look on your face when you learn that Dad found Zim last night, and he hasn't been out of the basement since then.' She saw the look on Dibs face, and nodded. Her day had been completed.

Dib ran down into the basement, taking the steps two at a time, being careful not to trip over and fall. He burst into the room that he had been holding Zim in and looked around. Membrane wasn't there, and neither was Zim. He gasped. There were only so many rooms they could be in. He ran back into the hallway and tried all the different rooms. junk room, not in there, mortuary, not in there, sick bay, locked. He stopped. The door to the sick bay was never locked. He banged his hands on the door.

Professor Membrane opened it. 'Be quiet, the patient's sleeping.'

'Dad, you can't! It's an alien! He's evil, and came here to destroy us all! You have to-' he was cut off by professor Membrane.

'Dib! I have been patient with you and your paranormal studies. Yes, i do agree that aliens exist, but that's no reason to torture one of your classmates. If I hadn't found him when I did, he probably wouldn't have survived past the end of this week.'

'But Dad, he's not human. It's not torture if he's not human. It's scientific study for the greater good of all humanity!'

'It was unethical. No scientist would keep subjects in that condition. no scientist would allow their subjects condition to deteriorate like that.'

'you weren't interested when I told you 4 weeks ago that I had caught him. You just laughed, said that's nice son, and hung up the phone on me! Maybe if you had been here to help me, he wouldn't have got into that condition. Maybe if you had listened to me, and paid attention to me, and been a good father I wouldn't be insane!'

'I'm sorry, Dib. I didn't mean to neglect you. I just got so busy, and you and your sister got so big so fast, and everytime I tried to get time off work, they found a new problem. I tried to be at home as often as I could. I never missed a single birthday or Christmas, I always got off for Easter, and any Skool things you had, or I at least sent a hovervid. I tried the hardest that I could to be a good dad for you. I'm sorry.'

He closed the door on Dib, and thought back on the times he had or hadn't shared with his children.

Dib sat down and considered the new information he had been given. He had never thought of it from his dad's point of view before. Gaz looked at him. 'You're so emo, Dib. Stop crying and come help me bake cookies.' She knew if she didn't give him something to do he would sit and bitch for the rest of the day.

'You want to make cookies?' Gaz had never wanted to do anything like this before.

'Yeah, I got a recipe for bloody vampire fang cookies. I wanted to try it out, and now seems like a good time.'

Dib got up and went to make cookies with Gaz.

-----

Membrane sat and watched the patient. It was getting fed intravenously, using notes he had found that Dib had made on the subject of what it could or couldn't eat. It seemed to be regaining consciousness. At least, it's antennae were twitching.

Zim opened his eyes. He felt tired, sore, stiff, weak, hungry, and many other adjectives. He was having trouble focusing on what was right in front of him. It looked like a white blob. The blob said something and held a pink blob in front of his face. "Hand" his information disk was telling him. He tried to reach for the hand, but his arms were too weak.

The white blob said something again, and now he saw that there was a pink blob on top of the white, and a black blob on top of the pink."Dib" he thought, and tried to get away. A hand was placed on his shoulder, and something was said again. Now he could hear it properly, it was in a deeper voice than Dib usually used.

He blinked, and the picture of the human cleared, and he saw that it wasn't Dib, but the Dibs parental unit. Membrane. He relaxed. He had enjoyed the conversation he had had with Membrane before. This was a human that could share his intelligence.

'Wha-' he started to say, but his throat was closed off, and all that came out was a squeaking sound.

'Shhhhh.' Membrane said, and stroked Zims' antennae. Zim relaxed, and Membrane stroked him again. Zim started purring deep within his chest. Never had he had as enjoyable a feeling as this before. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to be calmed by the movement of the hands.

-----

Two days had gone past, and Zim was starting to fret about his lack of PAK. All his necessary survival chips were just hanging off his body. Anything could happen to them, and he'd be damaged forever. He might even die!

When Membrane entered the room, he voiced his concerns. 'I want my PAK back.'

'I'm sorry, but Dib said he destroyed it.'

'I don't care. I want it!'

'You can't have it. It's gone forever.'

'no.' Zim spoke in a small voice. 'no, no, no. It can't be gone.'

Membrane realised he had said the wrong thing. 'Maybe we can build you another one?'

'It wouldn't be the same thing.'

Membrane picked up the five chips that controlled Zims body. 'These are what you need to survive?'

'Yes.'

'i could possibly implant them within you. It wouldn't be the same as a PAK, but it would keep the chips safe.'

zim thought about this for a while, then he nodded. 'That would be acceptable. When will you start?'

'Only when I have all the information that i need to know I won't be causing permanent damage to your body. Then I'll begin. But let's start on your muscle building exercises now.'

-----

Three days had passed before Membrane felt confident enough to perform the operation. He had moved Zim back into the room he had been held in, because it was the room with all the large medical equipment. Zim swallowed nervously as he was taken back into the room. It reminded him of pain, so much pain. He hid his face in membranes arms, not caring that he was showing weakness.

Membrane made soothing noises and stroked Zims' head, trying to reassure him that it would be alright, but he didn't know what Zim had been through in that room. Poking, prodding, cutting, tearing, anything that could be seen as scientific knowledge had been done in this room. He had had bones broken, his antenna had been snapped by the human, he had been burnt, and it had all been written down in that book. He had come to associate seeing the book with being hurt, so when Membrane put Zim down on the table, he hadn't been able to resist looking for the book, and there it was, on the table.

Zim whimpered when he saw it, and pointed it out to Membrane. 'Take the book away.' he whispered.

Membrane looked around. 'This book?' he asked, picking it up. Zim nodded.

Membrane flicked through to one of the pages in the book. "Day 15:" it said. "Broke femur. Took 28 hours to heal." He went to a page further in the book. "Day 31: 3 drops of water in left eye. Eye turned dark pink and the subject lost vision in it for 16 hours."

Membrane closed the book, slightly admiring his son. He wrote this so scientifically. But it was wrong, unethical, and it was slightly disturbing to know his son had tortured someone. He put the book down and out of sight of Zim. He would have to read through it later, just out of scientific curiosity. He would also have to punish Dib somehow.

'Ok, Zim. If you would like to lie down on your stomach on the table?' Zim nodded and lay down. 'You know I won't be able to give you any sedatives.' Zim nodded again. 'And if I could tie you down, just so you don't move while I'm performing the operation.' Zim nodded again.

'but could you only tie me down when you've got all your tools ready?'

Membrane nodded and set out getting the tools. He had readied the room for surgery the other day, so all he had to do was resterilise the tools, and he would be ready.

When he had done that he pulled the leather straps tight around Zims' limbs, shoulders and hips, and brought the scalpel down along Zims' spine, trying not to get distracted by the screams.

-----

Zim woke up in the infirmaries' bed, in pain, again. This time, though, he was lying on his stomach, not on his back. He looked around for the Professor, but since he wasn't there, he concluded that he was either asleep or with his children. Because it was such a major time for Zim, he hoped he was asleep, not wasting his time with his children when he could've been watching Zim!

Because Zim had nothing better to do, he set himself on a sleep cycle while he tested the health of the remaining chips. When Zim awoke from the sleep cycle, Professor Membrane was sitting by his bed. 'How'd the operation go?' he asked.

'as well as could be expected.' Membrane replied. He looked a bit ashamed. 'I'm sorry you couldn't be sedated.'

'Not as sorry as i am.' Zim replied, he then looked a bit ashamed, and put his claws to Membranes face. He brought his head up and placed a kiss on Membranes cheek. He then pulled back, blushing.

Membrane was surprised as well. He had never expected that. 'Wha?' He asked stupidly.

'I just wanted to see what it was like, and I wanted to thank you.'

'Oh.' Membrane said, still with his hand on his cheek. 'That's Ok.'

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a while, then Membrane said, 'I don't think you should do your exercises today, because of your operation, so you can just relax today. Do you think you'll need anything?'

'I would enjoy some company.'

Membrane coughed. 'I promised my children I'd take them to the fair today, but I'll bring a radio down for you to listen to. Would that be Ok?'

Zim sighed. 'Yes, that would be acceptable.'

Membrane nodded and left in a bit of a hurry. Zim lay there and waited for him to return, so he could apologise for the kiss, and hope things went back to normal.

When Zim heard footsteps outside the door he turned his head expectantly. Unfortunately, it wasn't Membrane with a radio, but Dib. Zim froze and tensed, hoping he was strong enough to run or fight if he needed to.

Dib saw Zims' reaction. 'Don't worry, Zim. I just came to bring you a radio. What did you do to Dad, anyway, he looks...' Dib searched for an appropriate word 'flustered.'

'Flustered? What kind of chicken word is that?'

'Well, you know. He looks like something happened that he wasn't expecting.'

'Oh.' Zim said. 'I didn't do anything to him.'

'No? then what happened?'

'Nothing. Nothing at all.' He said it in such a sincere way Dib knew he was lying.

'It doesn't matter, anyway. See you later.'

Zim stuck his tongue out at Dibs retreating back, then tuned in the radio to try and find a decent station.

-----

Two weeks later Professor Membranes' holiday was over. He got out of bed and went down to the infirmary where Zim was.

-- -- - -- - - --- - --

And that's whre it ends. If you want to know what happens next, use your imagination. I don't even think I had a plan for where this was going, so I can't help give any clues.


	29. PMH

Set a few years into the future. And with very much cartoon biology.

- -- --- - --- - -

Dib was shaking in his shoes as he sat at the kitchen table. He had just realised what he had done. He had eaten the last of the cereal. Gaz would kill him, especially since it was a Sunday, and she wouldn't be able to get more until tomorrow. He shot to his feet as the kitchen door swung open. 'Gaz! I'm so sorry. I ate the last of the cereal, but you can have the rest of mine. There's some left... in...' He slowly trailed off as he looked at his little sister. She looked... different. Almost like a normal person.

'That's okay, Dib.' She said, smiling at him, and looking at him with open eyes. 'I can have toast. It's much better for me than chocolate cereal, anyway.' She walked over to him, and he flinched away slightly. Something wasn't right with Gaz. Why were her eyes open?

'Gaz, are you feeling okay?' He asked, quite concerned. Zim had been quiet for a while, but maybe he had done something to her, to make her act all... nice and calm. It wasn't right.

Gaz gave a soft laugh. 'Of course I'm alright, silly.' She reached up to ruffle his hair. 'You should worry less; the stress can't be good for you.' She put some toast in the toaster, and took out some butter and marmalade.

Dib was stunned into silence. Gaz never had butter on her toast. She said it ruined the crunch. 'It's a lovely day outside, isn't it, Dib?' She asked, waiting for her toast to pop.

Dib looked out the window. It was a perfect summer's day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was almost cliched. 'Yeah. Are you sure you're alright? Did you beat the final boss on Blood from Piggy Mountain?' She had been trying that for days; maybe she had finally gotten it, though it wouldn't explain the odd behaviour.

She shrugged. 'I couldn't get it last night, and it seemed like such an important thing, but now I don't want to stay inside trying to finish it.' The toast popped. 'Do you want to go out and feed the ducks in the pond today, Dib?' She scraped some butter onto the toast, then some marmalade. 'Or do you think you're too old to feed the ducks, now?' She took a bite of the toast.

Dib did think he was too old to feed the ducks, but Gaz was acting very strangely. He would need to observe her behaviour, and the only way to do that would be to follow her. 'Of, of course not, Gaz. I'd love to feed the ducks with you.'

'Oh goody!' Gaz said, once she had finished her toast, being very careful not to spit any crumbs. 'You can get the bread, while I go and get changed. Maybe we can even get ice-cream!'

'Maybe.' Dib replied, watching her actually skip away. Literally skip. The last time Dib had seen Gaz do anything that involved lightness of feet she had been dancing on the grave of a kid call Iggins. Dib put it down to what Zim had done to her, and spent the next five minutes trying to find just normal, non-Membrane brand bread for the ducks, and nearly dropped it when Gaz came back. She was wearing a pink dress. The pink dress she had tried to burn when she had first got it. The pink dress that still had a few singe marks on it. The pink dress which had been given to her by the grandmother who didn't understand Gaz at all. With the lacy white socks and shoes that came with it as well. Dib took a deep breath. He would definitely need to study Gaz for the rest of the day, no matter what she wanted to do.

By the end of the day, Dib learnt that what Gaz wanted to do was feed the ducks, eat ice-cream, and the go to the Zoo. All of which she had been giddily happy about. She had even chased a butterfly, but not to kill it. Dib was certain that something must have happened to her, but didn't know what. He would have to watch her very closely the next day.

-----

The next day dawned early for Dib. He snuck out of his room and down to Gaz's, only to find it empty, with the blinds pulled up so that the early morning sunlit penetrated the gloom that normally infested her room.

'Gaz?' He called out, walking around the top floor. Where was she?

'Down here, Dibby!' He heard her call out from below.

Dib went down the stairs, following an eerie humming sort of noise. It sounded almost as if Gaz was singing. He turned into the kitchen, to find Gaz humming to herself and making pancakes. 'Gaz?' he asked, 'what are you doing?'

'Dib!' She said brightly. 'I'm making us all pancakes.' She turned some out onto a plate, taking it over to the table, and pushing Dib down in front of it, with her normal force, but none of the anger. 'Eat up, I made plenty.'

She turned back to the stove while Dib investigated the first pancake. It didn't seem poisoned.

'Daddy!' Gaz called out upon the sound of the front door opening. 'Come into the kitchen!'

Professor Membrane entered tiredly. 'Son, daughter.' He said, slightly surprised. 'What are you two doing up this early. You should be sleeping in on your holidays, not getting up early.'

'Sit down dad.' Gaz said, putting a second and third plate of pancakes on the table. 'We can all have pancakes together!'

Professor Membrane took a seat at the table, looking down at his pancakes. 'Thank you, Gaz. This is very thoughtful of you.' He layered sugar and lemon on one, taking a large mouthful, chewing and swallowing. 'Why, these are delicious, daughter! Maybe you should take up cooking professionally!'

Gaz lay a mug of coffee in front of Membrane, then sat down and started to eat her own pancakes, then looked over at Dibs plate. 'Why aren't you eating my pancakes, Dib?' She asked, a hint of menace creeping into her voice.

Dib cut a large triangle out of his pancakes and shoved them into his mouth, eyes watering slightly at the heat. 'I am. They're lubbly.' He said, his voice muffled around the pancakes.

'Good.' Gaz finally took the first bite of her own pancakes, and then small talk was made. Dib zoned out of it until Gaz said something that peaked his attention. '...But when I woke up this morning, there was some blood on my pyjamas, and my bed sheet.' Dib's mind was racing. Was this some part of Zims horrible plan? And then his mind ran into something more biological. It couldn't be. Dib tried not to think about it. It was too disgusting to be thought of, let alone mentioned.

Professor Membrane had a completely different reaction entirely. 'My little girl's becoming a woman!' He said excitedly. 'Gaz, you're menstruating for the first time. Oh, what a wonderful day.' He picked her up and swung her around. 'We're going to need to get you sanitary items, and I'll have to give you The Talk.' He set her down again. Dib started wolfing down his pancakes. He had heard enough about periods from Gretchen. He did NOT want to hear his dad talk about them. Especially not about, and with, his sister. He had fled the room by the time uteral lining was mentioned.

A few hours later he let himself think about it. Gretchen always got grumpier around that time. Maybe Gaz was in such a bad mood normally she couldn't get worse, so she became happier. Instead of PMS she was PMH'ing. Dib put the theory aside for further study.

The next day Gaz was back to her bad mood. Dib noted this down in his mind. He would have to see if she became happy again in about a month, so further study was needed. He almost enjoyed being around Gaz when she was like that, so further study may not be unwelcome.


End file.
